I Thought Myself to Be a Gay Woman - The Music Icon Enabled Me to Uncover the Reality

In 2011, a couple of years ahead of the renowned David Bowie show launched at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I publicly announced a lesbian. Previously, I had exclusively dated men, including one I had wed. After a couple of years, I found myself nearing forty-five, a freshly divorced mother of four, residing in the United States.

At that time, I had begun to doubt both my gender identity and romantic inclinations, searching for understanding.

My birthplace was England during the dawn of the seventies era - pre-world wide web. When we were young, my friends and I didn't have Reddit or video sharing sites to turn to when we had curiosities about intimacy; instead, we looked to music icons, and during the 80s, everyone was playing with gender norms.

The iconic vocalist wore masculine attire, The Culture Club frontman embraced girls' clothes, and musical acts such as popular ensembles featured performers who were openly gay.

I craved his narrow hips and defined hairstyle, his strong features and masculine torso. I aimed to personify the Berlin-era Bowie

Throughout the 90s, I lived driving a bike and adopting masculine styles, but I returned to femininity when I opted for marriage. My husband moved our family to the US in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an powerful draw revisiting the masculinity I had earlier relinquished.

Considering that no artist played with gender to the extent of David Bowie, I opted to use some leisure time during a warm-weather journey back to the UK at the museum, with the expectation that maybe he could guide my understanding.

I didn't know exactly what I was looking for when I walked into the exhibition - maybe I thought that by submerging my consciousness in the opulence of Bowie's gender experimentation, I might, in turn, discover a clue to my true nature.

I soon found myself standing in front of a compact monitor where the music video for "Boys Keep Swinging" was playing on repeat. Bowie was performing confidently in the foreground, looking stylish in a dark grey suit, while off to one side three supporting vocalists dressed in drag gathered around a microphone.

In contrast to the entertainers I had encountered in real life, these characters failed to move around the stage with the poise of natural performers; instead they looked unenthused and frustrated. Positioned as supporting acts, they were chewing and showed impatience at the monotony of it all.

"The song's lyrics, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, apparently oblivious to their reduced excitement. I felt a brief sensation of connection for the accompanying performers, with their heavy makeup, ill-fitting wigs and too-tight dresses.

They seemed to experience as awkward as I did in women's clothes - irritated and impatient, as if they were hoping for it all to end. Precisely when I understood I connected with three individuals presenting as female, one of them removed her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Shocker. (Understandably, there were further David Bowies as well.)

In that instant, I knew for certain that I aimed to remove everything and emulate the artist. I craved his slender frame and his defined hairstyle, his defined jawline and his flat chest; I sought to become the lean-figured, artist's Berlin phase. However I couldn't, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Declaring myself as gay was one thing, but transitioning was a significantly scarier prospect.

I needed several more years before I was ready. During that period, I tried my hardest to become more masculine: I abandoned beauty products and discarded all my women's clothing, cut off my hair and began donning male attire.

I altered how I sat, changed my stride, and changed my name and pronouns, but I stopped short of medical intervention - the possibility of rejection and remorse had left me paralysed with fear.

After the David Bowie display finished its world tour with a engagement in the American metropolis, following that period, I returned. I had reached a breaking point. I couldn't go on pretending to be a person I wasn't.

Standing in front of the familiar clip in 2018, I became completely convinced that the challenge wasn't my clothes, it was my body. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been in costume all his life. I desired to change into the individual in the stylish outfit, performing under lights, and at that moment I understood that I had the capacity to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a physician not long after. The process required additional years before my personal journey finished, but not a single concern I worried about came true.

I still have many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a gay man, but I accept this. I desired the liberty to explore expression like Bowie did - and since I'm comfortable in my body, I am able to.